Why are we willing to help the people we give time to?  Of course because they are close family or friends.  Of course.  And there are people who are like us so it’s easy to sit with them in their difficulties. And there are people who are not us, who are less advantaged than we;  we give to them because we have been raised with a sense of noblesse oblige: those with more have an obligation to those with less.  We give to them because it makes us feel better about ourselves or less guilty about what we have.  We give to them because at some level we are like the Pharisee Jesus talked about who thanked God that he wasn’t like that other benighted sinning tax-collector.  Giving to someone who lacks what we have is a back-alley way of re- affirming our superiority.

The way to avoid this is to listen for what someone needs before giving them anything.  Hear their story, put yourself in it.  Say to yourself “There but for the grace of God go I” – which by the way can be another way of claiming superiority by saying you are more blessed by God because you have earned more grace – and consider what it would be like to be the person in the story.

Stories matter.  People come to churches for financial help for food and gas but never for cigarettes.  Sometimes they want the help and want to leave.  Sometimes they want to tell you their story.  The story can be a way of extracting more from you, it’s part of the game.  I like to listen to the stories; I’m more than happy to part with some cash because I’ve been part of a great fiction.  Mostly, though, if someone isn’t running a game on you, they want someone to hear their story.  Listening gives them dignity restores a little of the dignity it costs to ask someone for food.  You get a little bit for yourself too.